Change is inevitable  

I met my stepsister two weeks ago for the first time, and it is already time for her to fly back to Chile. I did not want her to leave because having a sister after being an only child for 12 years felt so cool. However, once we arrived at the airport, I could not help but feel that rush in my body, full of excitement to go back home to my grandma in Germany. I turn towards my stepdad and tell him, ‘I just have one week left, and then I will also be here saying goodbye.’ He giggles and says, ‘you are not going back.’ Suddenly, I feel tremendous anxiety running down my body. All these thoughts, “what does he mean?”, “Is he lying?” “Is it true” “am I not returning to my grandma?”. I am so scared they will not let me go back home. What am I going to do? When we got home, my mom sat down with me, telling me that this was not just a vacation and that I would not return to Germany. My eyes fill with tears, and I start choking, gasping for air, drowning in sadness and fear. Then it hits me- My Grandma.  

I know I mean the world to her, and she will go above and beyond to make everything happen for me. I am not her granddaughter; I am her daughter. Growing up, she had always taken that role. My mom was young when she had me, and my grandparents played a significant role in parenting. I knew deep in my heart that she would never heal from this. The thought of me not going back did not kill me as much as knowing how much my grandma would suffer from now on. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces that break the same way every time I think about all the pain she experienced from my mother’s decision. A few days after telling me, she called my grandma and told her. My heart ached so much I could not breathe, and as I saw her crying and begging just to let me come home, I started feeling this anger and rage towards my mother. Why would she take me away from my family? Because she fell in love and her new life was here in New York? Why did I have to deal with the consequences, and why did I have to suffer for her to have everything she ever wanted? It did not seem fair that all her dreams were being accomplished while my grandma and I had to suffer. Only I know all the restless nights I spent crying, how many times I felt depressed and helpless because I was thousands of miles away from my grandma, and I knew the only thing that could heal her broken heart was me. 

I was not ready for anything. I had to go to a new school, make new friends, learn a new language, and adapt to a different environment, all while my heart was so broken. Living with my stepdad was like living with a stranger. My mom worked a lot. There were days I was alone with him all day, and he had to play a parent role. I would not say I liked it, and I resented my mom for giving him the power to tell me what to do. I struggled with having someone to talk to and tell everything I was going through. Keeping it all inside of me was worse.  

On June 29, 2015, I was on a plane to Germany, one year after everything happened. I am so happy to hold my grandparents again finally. I have so many things in mind that I want to do with them. I miss my grandma’s food so much. I miss my cat and my room. But what relieved me the most was that I would not have to see my mother for one month and a half. She did not have the power to control what I did during this period. The plane was 10 minutes from landing, and I felt so happy. As I walked out with my luggage, they stood anxiously waiting for me to come out. I ran towards them and gave them a big hug. We all started crying. Right away, my grandma asked me If I needed anything or if I was hungry.  

Today I am going to my old school to visit the class I was in. I am thrilled because I miss my friends so much. I have known many of them since I was 3. I walk through the main entrance and pass the cafeteria, which is my favorite part of the school. They sell donuts, sandwiches, and garlic bread, and for lunch, they have salad bars, pasta bars, and a dish they switch every day. School here is entirely different from New York. This school is a campus. Each building is for a different subject, and they have one building that is just a huge gym. They teach you how to swim as part of gym class, and most schools have giant pools. 

As I Walk towards my old class’s building, I get super nervous and emotional. Are my former classmates going to be surprised? Are they going to be happy? Have they already forgotten about me? I finally walk in, and everyone goes quiet. All their faces with different reactions. Some are surprised. Others are saying “omg sofiaaaa.” I say hello to everyone, and they all begin to ask me questions. How does it feel to live in New York? Do you speak English? Are you ever coming back? That is the question that I wish I could say yes to, but I know I will not be moving around here any time soon. Once I left, I felt relieved. Visiting my old school gave me a sense of closure and a chance to explain why I never came back after the summer.  

Over the years, I realized that if I held on to the pain, I would hurt forever, and slowly I started letting go. When I started high school, I made a few friends I love, which changed my life. They gave me that peace and friendship I desperately needed to feel whole again. I felt so lonely for many years, and it was not until about three years later that I realized that coming here was not particularly bad.  

New York is a city that never sleeps. I cannot begin to explain how many opportunities we have by living in one of the most exclusive cities. You can be the person you choose to be without being judged. By just working full time, you can afford most things that citizens in Germany would have to work much harder for. An example of this would be vacations, eating out, buying the newest I phone, and many more. We have a privilege that we often do not consider. Colleges offer so many careers that you can study that in other countries, they are not easily accessible. Germany also has its good sides; healthcare is free, it is not as dangerous, college is free, and living cost is lower, but income is lower. It has a slower living pace. As I mentioned, New York is a city that never sleeps. I love that now I can use these experiences to learn and understand that change is inevitable, and the outcome is how we make it. I have so many opportunities because I speak three languages, and I would not be able to speak the most spoken language so fluently if I did not move here. As much as I resented my mom and pushed her away, I would have felt the same if she had left me behind in New York. I realized she did what she had to do to be with me. Today I have a choice. If I wanted to, I could move back to Germany since I am still a German citizen and have a European passport. However, as of right now, I am exactly where I should be. I also became a big sister one year ago, which has been my biggest blessing. My relationship with my mom changed so much, and we all tried to be a loving family for my brother, who is the true light that shines on all the bad days. Our love for him has brought us much closer, even my family overseas; I am so grateful for that. I will always try to find the light in the bad and accept change as it comes because there is no running away from it.